ON being LOST, doubts AND goodbyes

A few days from now, i will be marking my 6th month stay here in Cebu. Many things have happened but nothing much changed for me. I still wake up from nightmares - haunting nightmares that cloud my thoughts if this is the path I should've taken six months past. I admit there are days I have doubts. I have my own share of fears of not achieving the goals I so believed I could accomplish. There are also moments when I refuse to be dampened by the distractions that keep me from living my life. I had to I snap out from those blurry lenses and remind myself this is my life and life is better if seen through a clean pair of lenses. If I screw up, it will be my fault - no regrets. Sometimes, I see myself walking down a deserted highway. A little lost but moving on and forging forward. It's not clear where exactly I end up or if I will even get there - wherever that is. I could see myself savoring the feel of the breeze on my skin, enjoying the scenery that passes me by, tasting the freedom of being unconstrained like it's the first time, and embracing the liberty to take control of my future. It's not all about work and dreams sometimes. It's enjoying the journey. Failing or succeeding at them, either way you're not happy if there are no captured moments of how you claim them or bomb it away from your reach.

I kinda feel weird that I got regularized with my present job at the callcenter I'm working at. It seemed like I had a hard time passing the metrics. It's funny because I had a more difficult time passing said metrics than with my previous job at a bank. But I'm glad I made it, though there are just some things I think aren't fair with regard to how we are gauged. I definitely could write a long dissertation about that but it wouldnt be interesting and it's a waste of time. Like everyone else, I ride with the waves because I get paid for it.



What's sad is that not all of Team Hugawan will be regularized. It's my rest day today and I'm not really sure what's the buzz of who's in or not but news flies fast - especially the bad ones - so I got few clues. I heard I probably won't be able to see some of my teammates tomorrow when I report to work. I don't know but saying goodbye to people you look forward to see each day is not easy, partly because they are the ones you consider your closest family in a city where no one knows you. I will miss my teammates for sure. Sob!